Can you hear me?
I don’t like to be around people so much as I like to observe them. I analyze and question them in my mind, taking in and scrutinizing every detail of their persona- assessing them to quench my own anxieties and genuine phobia of the unknown. I actually feel rather uncomfortable around people, but I still have some strange want for connection, which makes absolutely zero fucking sense. Even more confusing is that even with my friends, in my group, I feel left out for literally no fucking reason. Well, I mean, I guess I’m fairy sure that’s actually due to that exact analysis of the people around me causing me to be paranoid, so I guess that makes that last sentence a contradiction. I should delete that, but fuck it, this will be my shitty…uh….exposition..thing? I dunno. Regardless, I’ve spent a shitload of time trying to put into words how I feel, because for some reason, my brain can reason with my hands fairly well to put together a mostly coherent sentence, but god forbid my brain and mouth work on the same page.
I’d realized that it’s like walking among the crowd but never actually being a part of it. It just feels like I’m drifting, weaving through people without actually connecting. It’s like being…within and without. I’m not fully separated from them, but not fully integrated either, and that’s perhaps the worst part about it.
It’s not that I don’t know how to connect, but that paranoid, analytically thinking will always eventually sever that connection. I mean, that exact thing I’m pretty sure has kept me from getting murdered or walking into death traps numerous times, but after awhile I became too aware, which created ah, paranoia.I can’t tell you how many times after I’ve finally managed to get moderately close to someone like a functional human being that I’ve pushed someone away because of that goddamn paranoia. I’m not sure anymore if I push them away to protect myself more or them from me. I’m just going to make the assumption (as I am very tired) that the lines have been blurred for a long time.
If I’m being honest with myself, though, it’s partially both. I’ve found myself in a rather precarious situation as of late that is particularly frustrating where I want to be close to people, want to have those connections and even relationships, but I’m afraid of what will inevitably happen. What’s going to go down is I will be stupid and rash and get too deeply involved in a relationship with this certain someone who I managed to form a particular fondness of. Then my trainwreck of a personality will trudge in with all of it’s anxieties, paranoia, self consciousness, self-hatred, guilt, phobias, depression, and all that other fun stuff. Of course, that will cause me to push that person away or distance myself, either case resulting in a broken connection, only to have the cycle of a want to connect restart and have me clinging on to them for dear life once again.
I mean, I don’t feel like it’s fair to bring someone else into that and make them put up with that bullshit over and over again. I don’t know if that’s coming from the really nice altruistic part of myself that wants to for the sake of just being a good person, or if it’s coming from the asshole/paranoid part of myself that just doesn’t want to in fear of what they will say or think.
And yet, I still find myself trying to hopelessly connect with people as I blindly assess and hyper-analyze every part of them in an almost OCD like fashion, which just works to drive my anxiety. I guess especially with the endless problems I have that I find people fascinating; why people do the things they do, think the things they think, who they are. And since I run away (literally, I have literally ran away) from my problems, I feel some weird compulsion to understand and solve everyone else’s, as well as some bizarre attachment to anyone who is as fucked up as I am, if not more.
Frequently that usually backfires and although it may sometimes kind of help someone else, it nowhere near manages to fill that gaping void inside that seems to be the reason for why I glomp onto everything in such a crazed manner. Actually, this cycle (is it even a cycle anymore? Web? Fucked up Venn diagram?!) of paranoia, fear, lack of relationships and connections, and the occasional helping of someone has left me as an even bigger trainwreck with no idea who the fuck I am. Technically, that’s beside the point because I’ve even psychoanalyzed myself to the point that I’ve become a self conscious, quivering vegetable (although my mom doubts the claim that potatoes are vegetable, so I can’t confirm the accuracy of that analogy, sorry tumblr).I don’t even think trainwreck suffices anymore as an analogy- it’s more like the a flying rocket train with nuclear war missiles crashing onto The Island from Lost and releasing twenty billion smoke monsters (and more unsolved plot holes, AHEM). In space.
Anyway, I am fairly sure that this post is going to be full of grammatical and structural errors, but fuck it, EMOTIONAL CRISIS TIME! I don’t even know how to end this…I don’t even know if anyone will read this.
If you do..thank you. And maybe, I don’t know, comment of like, reblog, or whatever. Let people know that at least there’s some other self-deprecating asshole releasing smoke monsters onto the world from the sheer mass of her problems. And…it’d be comforting for me to know, too, I guess….
(and I apologize for ranting, but I’ve been having a shitty week and my brain has turned into a pile of confusion and deep-thought, so I wanted to share, damn it)